Clearly something is ..

wrong.

Trying to find a 'Status Quo' ..

is like trying to eat your own toe nails in the dark.

Happiness is elusive, but sadness is always right behind me .. following my footsteps.

I recommend trying NOT to find Love. The Love I once had was taken away by the same girl that acted .. pretended .. to give it to me, though she left it close enough to remind me of what I no longer have. More than 6ix months ago, when she pulled the plug, still feels like yesterday.

It's a scar .. sure, it no longer feels the same and the pain is mostly gone but .. everyday you see the scar you are reminded of where, and how, and who, gave it to you. I'll never be free .. will I? I think I will be perpetually ..

Locked In Chains.

It's life Jim ..

but not as we know it.

Why ..

is it so that when we're told 'I want you', they automatically move into 'Facebook Mode' and ignore you?

Wait .. don't answer that. It was a question.

I am un

happy.

My heart is reasonably well mended, my mind seems to be kicking on all four, I'm no longer distracted by memories, and I'm no longer engaged in conversations (or comments) ..

Still .. the unhappiness that follows me around seems to insist that I tattoo it on my ass, so when I sit down I'm sitting with it .. or on it.

Haha .. now THAT makes me smile :)

At a lose

I am at a lose .. for what I want to say, or how I might say it .. or even if I should speak.

I have given so much to just one lady, one Angel, this last 2wo years .. but now .. I think it is clear to say that I was never good enough for her.

I could never make her happy. We have been to many place, and done many things .. I have given her everything I could, and always gave more than what she wanted. I have tried to be the best man she could find, I have never cheated, or argued about stupid things, I have taken care of her in every way I can ..

Now .. she has already 'found' 2wo other men to be with .. I don't know if there are others. Without reason, because she never tells me the truth .. without reason she has just moved away from me. Just moved away .. and now, I am no-one to her.

I am no-one.

khoi kon diao dta lort bpai
I will be alone forever.

A single word

I noticed a word I used in my last post .. 'fell'.
Gravity has a huge impact on anything we do day to day and, as such, it is a word we commonly use to imply a distance or depth.
I had a look around the inter-web today and kept looking over various pages on someone many of you will have heard of ..
Gabriel.
As an archangel, his use of the 'fell' has nothing to do with the effect of gravity. When he 'fell' from Heaven to Earth, the first thing he started to become aware of is ..
Falling.
The stories and history I have been reading have been giving me (or lending me) who it is that I may have been talking too. I thought I was talking to the Big man himself but, it may be that I was chatting with one of His better angels. I was trying to find out what Gabriel was falling ..
For.
It was a war, between Good & Evil, and the angels are the only front-line that can be used. With so few .. all of seven for each side .. I was finding it difficult to understand just why there was such a war. It is easy to see the problems with the Good & Evil thing, so why are there only seven angels to fight for ..
Us.

Because .. we are worth it.

I simply .. don't know

Take it from me, I've never been to Heaven, but there are some (very) real Angels here on Earth.

I fell deeply, and irreversibly, in love with an Angel. It's taken me 40 years to find someone of this caliber, mostly because I couldn't believe a perfect dream would exist in reality. Being in her presence gave me the sensation that I was in Heaven with her.

The first year helped us build a sound & solid foundation .. then something when wrong.

There are a few parts that I cannot mention, even in my own personal writings, so I do not know how much weight or impact they have had on us. Having said that, I can write my own opinion ..

While helping an Angel to learn to fly, I have broken both her wings.

And she is .. gone.

I don't know what to do.

Learning to Learn .. again

I’m not entirely sure I’m able to give a ‘compete rundown’; there will be so many things I forget to include or information I haven’t included. More so, I cannot be sure about some parts of it if I am correct .. or wrong. Still .. there was something I wanted to write now.

You know, artists from any genre always begin with a single ‘need’, or even a ‘want’. We start using the common & well-known tools of any trade, without being shown how. In time we all go through some education and/or observation, to increase our own capacity and become self-mindful of where we are going. Using all of our senses allows us to know something of our creations, and develop our own individual opinions. We are, after all, created so we can create.

The rise and fall of many artists, including anything they have created (finished or not is irreverent) is a little more we learn about those artists. I think this is a good combination of ‘education and observation’ or ‘monkey see, monkey do’. Don’t misunderstand the previous sentence; this is NOT a personal opinion of any one or any thing.

The last few years of when I was still living in Australia, I was no longer in a relationship, no longer living near family or friends, and no longer really sure about anything. Thinking about it now, I was coming to the end of my (software development) career without being aware of it, and I had started doing a few things that I (also) wasn’t aware of .. Abstract Photography, & Abstract Writing.

The English word ‘Abstract’, in a simple term, is ‘existing only as an idea (or theory), not as a physical thing’. I hadn’t even considered what I was .. doing to be abstract, I was just trying to create things I liked. The few things I still have, from that time period, still bring smiles to my face.

About halfway through that year I put my old career to bed, and began a new one in a new country. I, quite literally, ‘shook my world around, and up-side-down’. The ‘art’ that I was still creating had grown its own nervous system, and entwined itself with my own. By this stage I was comfortably aware of ‘existing only as an idea’, both as my creations and my personality. The confidence I had was never affected by others opinions of my ‘art’, not that many saw it. It was never ‘for sale’, and it was never ‘restricted’ for seeing. Life was good.

Ten months later, I had an accident that shook my world so much that I .. fell off Planet Earth. I had to return home and learn (again) some of the basic human skills .. speaking and walking. It took 12 months before I could return to my new career.

During that long climb back up to the mountain, I have lost a few of the things I had before. Abstract Photography is something that I can still create, but it always feels like a ‘photocopy’ of what I've already done in the past .. and again .. and again. For the work that I have done here, it is obvious to me how ‘unimpressed’ most people are with what they see and I’m rarely (if ever) asked to photograph again.

Abstract Writing is something that I have not been able to begin .. at all. I read some, in books and on the internet .. even Facebook (!) .. I admire a lot of it, and a few that would still give me that good combination of ‘education and observation’. So far, though, there is little more than ‘Oh, wet pet’ that I can write (and that isn't even mine anyway!).

Being self-aware of my art from my past, I am partially unable to have it with me here in the present .. this has had an impact of lowering my confidence, and it created something else that I wasn't aware of .. ‘being critically self-critical’. In a different story on a different subject, I’m not going to write about critical things either, but I’m happy that I’m (finally) remembering to keep teaching myself the ‘basic human skills’.

Everyday observation teaches me more than any book, lesson, or teacher, could. The down side being that I am sometimes quiet with a group of people, and that usually prevents those people from inviting me again. I have lost more friends than I could comfortably count, but in the end those friends have helped teach me something I had lost once before.

One more thing. For the longest time I have been single .. by choice. We all have different attributes that appeal us about a partner, but I never really looked hard .. the attributes I would have been looking for would never be found on Earth. It’s easy to say that only Angels have wings, so that has been my first requirement. I can honestly say that I had always known I would never experience the joy of having the company of an Angel. Until now.

Yes .. it has happened, and it still continues to happen. Even after having known this Angel for a few years, she still ‘takes my breath away’.

Life, as it is now, is something I had never planned .. and I still have not. That doesn't mean I don’t know where I’m going, but not having a plan is giving me so much more than I would expect if I had a plan. So life is good. I know I’ll never stop learning, and I honestly hope that I’ll never stop sharing it all with some1ne.


Peace
\v/

Value-less

Something .. anything .. that does not have a value, that is without value and has no value, non-valued ..
Valueless ..
They cannot be bought or sold, stolen or hidden, lost or discarded, copied or framed .. they are unique and common, everywhere and never noticed, touched without contact though pushed without care .. like a rusty sign with nothing left to read but won't fall over ..

This is a comfortable personal description.

How far is away?

I've been pushed further, and further, and .. now I am just away ..

Is it enough for you?

Far is never far enough .. ?

I murmured a vow of silence and now

I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all awry
I'm wearing the inside out

And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again
--

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

If this feeling ♥ is Obsession, then I will never know Love

Things have gone so far away .. she is happy to smile and say “Yes I love you” when we are together but ..

Time together is almost impossible, online chatting is almost like talking to myself, never a single email is returned, the next txt I get is more than a week before the last ..

This downward spiral began months ago, and all I’ve been able to do is watch it fall. Where is the .. Interest? Desire? Love? Where is it?

What have I done wrong?

Can anyone tell me how to stop all this crying .. ?

Lost and .. unknown .. ?

It is so hard to describe the actions, the options, the opinions .. but I don't mean mine!

There is basically .. no interest. I am so .. hurt .. again. Any excuse is what I am often given .. just so there is no reason to talk. Sure, when you get home you should sleep .. not chat, like we wanted. I turned things off so as to not disturb you!

When we did chat, you wouldn't tell me anything about your friends .. you started to say something, then stopped. Started again, then stopped again. I don't understand so much, and you don't want to share it with me.

What are you doing?

You seem to find .. so many other things you would rather do. FB.

I DON'T CARE about it!

Why is this so hard? "What are you doing?" What do you want to do?









You got a rose .. that is a good thing, and you were happy in the photo. Never heard from you again. I know I know .. you can't contact me. I know.

I am Lost .. you were my map .. but I'm never allowed to see it ..

I am Lost .. :'(

Am I going to lose more .. ?

I am so lost ..

I agree with what I last wrote (on FB)

First rule: always ignore yourself. Second rule: always listen to yourself.
Third rule: stop wasting your time thinking about nothing. Fourth rule: think about nothing and waste your time.

It is .. this is hard work. There are so many negatives .. not often wanted, or included, or invited, or .. or .. or ..

She even asks me why my voice changes, or that things are worse, things changing .. AAaahhhh

I don't know what to do! Everyone gets minutes .. hours .. of her social time. I get moments .. and then she turns away.

I don't live in FB, so she never talks.










I don't know if I should be positive, or negative .. or simply not there.

Did you know ..


I am one of the very few who has survived an event that, ordinarily, would give us our final breathe. There are weeks where, although the body is performing its basic requirements, most of it's actions are performed by a puppeteer with no synchronicity .. the mind is fixed in, and fixated by, it's own vocabulary of 3hree words .. bah!


I'm lost in this meander ..


I think I am loosing something that has become the +most+ important part of my 40 years. 


I need .. something .. 

Nowhere to run, Nowhere to hide

I can't hide anymore ..
2 years ago I met some1ne special. She is nothing short of an Angel.
1 year ago everything started to stop.
Today .. feels like it is over. No, she has not said those words but .. she does nothing else.
Besides .. there is another she has seen .. she loves Green, and his home has so much grass ..
---

Some few already know, fewer still understand
And now there's nowhere to hold on by hand
Spinning and falling, aches hard to withstand
No balance, no control, my head is buried in sand
At first it was an accident, it was completely unplanned
And what I was shown allowed my whole life to expand
Now I recall where I've been, I've seen Heaven is Grand
But now, and forever .. I have been banned
---

I found 1ne who is .. or was Perfect, and who I will never forget .. and probably never see again.

How do you .. know .. ?

How Do You Know When Its Over?

What are the signs to move on? Is being loved, or the idea of love, sometimes stronger than the love itself? How do you know if she is the only right one, or just your only chance and that isn't meant to last forever? Should they not waste time on someone they love but isn't their true love? Relationships have problems so how do you know if it needs working on or to give up? How do you break up with someone you love? Does love and caring after so many years get mixed up? I'm very confused  .. !


I have battled the same questions you have for nearly 2 years now. We had been strong together for a long time and I am so broken hearted. I have come to learn that sometimes love gets in the way of making rational, real choices for our lives. I am getting a really hard time, and I felt (almost known) that its been coming for a year. I should moved on but .. love stops me. I have been looking for her for much more than 10 years, and I already know that I will never find love again .. if I give up on her. I have never had feelings for anyone else like I do for her. True love, to me, is someone you can absolutely not live without, and I don't mean just for a month or a year, or whatever, but someone that you can never let go. Love is a tricky thing and it is impossible to understand. I do know that if the person I am with doesn't loves me as much as I love them, and I have put much more into the relationship then they do .. then that tells me it is not true love.


True love is equal in all things. I believe in the saying "if you love someone set them free, if they come back then it's meant to be". Sometimes to get the answers we want, we must take the hardest way and that means leaving everything behind. I don't know if what I have said makes sense but .. I will play it by ear and try not to force anything, give it time and be .. more patient than anyone could know, and that is usually all I can do.


I really don't know what is wrong, or what is right. I really don't know what is black, or what is white. I really don't know if that that's a kiss, or that's a bite. I really don't know if I've already lost .. the fight.

The right place ..

Today ..

I feel so .. out of place ..

 I wish she would talk to me .. just talk. But there is always a hundred reasons why she won't.


The important stuff I need to know, is still stuff I need to know. Painting a new wall colour doesn't let me see what's underneath.


So .. again .. I have no choice over the important things, and I have become .. less ..

Why .. ? How .. ?

I am starting to .. hate myself.
The accident that I should +not+ have survived 3 years ago, has changed me .. changed my opinions, my perceptions, my understanding .. it added, and removed, both my abilities and disabilities .. in short, it has thrown my world around.
I am not the same .. I have lost many friends because they don't understand why I have changed so much, and I am not able to collect any more.

Somehow I managed to find a girl that I believed, for many years, never really existed. I don't quite know myself how I found her! For over a year now we have been .. made for each other.

But it's not the same now. There is almost no contact, or when there is it is never long enough because 'HB is here'. She waits .. and waits .. and waits .. until the end of the afternoon before calling. No phone txt, too busy with her FB friends to Skype with me, won't say a single thing when anybody else is around ..

I don't know what has gone wrong .. what have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong? Why is there no interest anymore? I cannot call anymore, I cannot txt anymore, I can't do things for her anymore, I can't do anything ..  I was invited to go away, but plans changed so I won't get any time with her on our own. I am losing ..

Why .. How .. ?